If you’ve never heard this song by Sara Evans, I strongly encourage you to take a listen here….I frantically searched for my CD that Sara had signed; however, could not find it…yet, I was able to locate it on YouTube, like anything else these days…everything is electronic…yet, music can sometimes mirror your feelings, when you simply are not able to just feel it on your own.
I can recall what Sara said about this song and although I did not lose my Mother, the song has some very special meaning at this particular time.
It’s hours before we go to the Funeral Home to say our visual good-byes to my Aunt Jackie, a woman that will always be remembered in many different ways; however, the core theme will be that of love, strength, tenacity and beauty. It’s never easy to say good-bye, yet, it is even harder when you realize later that they will no longer be there… whether it be a quick discussion on Facebook or a story that someone else has ….is good-bye final or is it merely a different form of see you later?
Family has come from all over… admittedly some I am meeting for the first time. It’s times like these where we not only can spend some time together, yet, at the same time we can ensure that we can let everyone know how we feel about them. Funerals are the biggest reminder that there sometimes isn’t a next time, a later or a future…. if we do not take the moments at the time that they present themselves… we may not get the chance again. I make no assumptions that life is not going on for another, yet, at the same time when it comes right down to it… what are we living for, if it is not for those that we love the most. A job ensures that we can eat, live under a roof and do a few fun things; however, at the same time if you were to strip away my stuff… take away my materialistic things and put me right back to square one… I can tell you this much, my family would still be there for me, whereas everyone else may be suspect of sticking around. So, in the grand scheme of things.. if you have to stop life for a little while in order to celebrate the time that you do have with the ones that truly would be there for you at your lowest point… isn’t that more important than … wishing you had spent time when it is too late?
Trust me, I have more stuff that I should be tending to, yet, it’s become abundantly apparent to me that there are certain people that come and go in my life and yet, the ones that have known me the longest and in some cases the most… are always there… even when I do not need them, but, they are still there. Some of them have witnessed me at my very worst and they are there to celebrate me at my best… It is those people in which I want to make sure know how much they mean… not because they’re family, but, because they are part of each day that I live… they are in my thoughts, my prayers and many stories. Life has a funny way of reminding you just how quick things can change…even the longest drawn out process of touch & go, when the go finally happens… it still is a shock. We’ve been so conditioned that there is always a next time, but, there isn’t always.
Sure, it would be easy to only recall and remember the laughter, the good times and the moments in which we did say what we wanted, yet, we must also grieve for the selfish purpose of feeling it. I am not completely doom & gloom, yet, there is a process and each person will take their own course & journey through it. For me, I want to listen to the music that will elicit certain feelings that I simply cannot bring myself to just go through… I’ll Fly Away by Alison Krause was something I listened to about 100 times yesterday as I looked at one of the last pictures I took of my Aunt Jackie she was hugging a dear friend… and her smile was incredible.. you can almost hear her laughing!
I realize I sound like a broken record; however, this record has witnessed too many deaths in the past 3 months, as far as it coming in 3’s, not for me… I’ve lost 2 family members, 2 dear Marines and although there is no one in a hospital bed or on their last days… the knowledge that, that is merely a kind precursor to what is to come… in the back of my mind I am aware of the possibility of anything happening I may not dwell on it as that would simply be morbid, yet, I am aware.
I’ll Fly Away Old Glory…. I’ll Fly Away In The Morning.. but before I do… I’ll make sure that I let someone know what they mean to me… My exterior can be rock-solid with a barbed wire barrier, yet, it’s only because as I get older, I find that I am a lot softer than I ever was willing to admit. I can feel the pain of someone I do not even know…. I can sense the anguish of those in a room and I can suffer for those that are enduring the perils of life, yet, despite all of that I can still see the beauty of my gift of breathing yet another breath of air… the ability to see the love that surrounds me and simply knowing that whenever my time to go should come I’ve at least had & TAKEN the opportunities to say I love you… not only to my Aunt Jackie, but, to those that read this or that should see me today, tomorrow or the next, that is – if I am given the chance in which to live another day!
Sometimes I wish I could run home to Mana’s loving’ arms
In the springtime, when the weather’s fine
Sittin’ with her on the porch, glass of tea and nothin’ more
Than her smile, for just a little while
And when I don’t know where to go
I think of home and how she use to sing to me, she sang
Que sera, sera, life goes on
Whatever’s meant to be will always be
And baby what don’t kill you, will make you strong
Just love the journey that your on
In all you do, I’ll pray for you
Wild horses and fairy tales sometimes turn into somethin’ else
That you never saw comin’ at you at all
So I guess I’m callin’ just because he wasnt who I thought he was
And I can’t believe he stopped lovin’ me
So, when I’m feelin’ all alone
I think of home and how you used to sing to me
I got babies of my own
And I’m the one that they’re countin’ on to be here
For every little tear, and I’ll sing