How on earth could someone stick & stay so tightly to their position?  Simple, they are aware of their boundaries.  For over a week I’ve been blathering on about how Mr. Cute has stated:  “I don’t want to talk.” He never truly wavered on this and any conversation was short and to the point, typically ending in another round of; I don’t want to talk.  This drove me crazy; however, as I dig deeper I believe that there were at least two, if not more reasons as to why;  I felt shut out and with knowledge of the dating profile, wronged; however, the other reason is what this writing is all about and that is, Mr. Cute had a boundary i.e. not wanting to talk and he stuck to it… I started to think… What boundaries do I have?  The answer was a resounding:  None.  Now this does not mean that I am loosey-goosey all the way around the pike; however, it clearly indicates a solid reason as to why I had such an inability to accept and/or respect Mr. Cute’s boundary of not wanting to talk.  For the better part of a week now I allowed a lot of various things to go without saying a word…sure, I went out and retrieved my stuff; however, that was minimal, at best.

In talking with a friend last night, I realized that irrespective of what Mr. Cute had asked for, stated or requested… the primary core of that request was a boundary.  Granted I had a few questions of my own that I had hoped would be answered; however, in truth, if someone crosses a line or boundary… How anxious are we to assist them and/or console them?  I am a huge supporter of the United States Border Patrol; in fact some of my friends are in town this week.  Their primary job is to secure our Nation’s borders from illegals attempting to come to the US without a trace.  I am not going to get into a border discussion; however, case & point the USBP protects our Nation’s ‘boundaries’.

When someone crosses the border, they are typically detained, processed and in most cases deported back to their home country; however, in matters where there is a struggle and/or the threat of harm is present, those persons cannot only be shot, but killed.  All over an attempt to cross our Nation’s borders… the United States Border Patrol protects our ‘boundaries’.  Who protects your boundaries?  Well, you of course!  Yet, when I thought about it for a while…. No one was protecting mine.  How can you protect what is not there?

Here are a few new boundaries that I have come up with since that discussion:

  1. If you’re on a dating site, then you’re not the one for me.  Irrespective of need for ego stroke or the like, if you’re involved with me, then you’re not on a dating website.
  2. If you need time to yourself to think things through, take it; however, prior to retreating to never, never land, let me know that you’re not pulling away; you just need some cave time.
  3. Communicate with enough clarity to let me know what’s going on.
  4. Be honest, irrespective of what it is, tell me the truth.
  5. At the very least have interest in the things that I enjoy, you never have to love them; however, respect the fact that I find enjoyment in x, y or z.

To some this may be a known, duh; however, for me, it’s a newfound way in which to live.  Perhaps if I had a better grasp or understanding of my boundaries, I would have understood Mr. Cute’s position a lot more than I did at the time.  It is quite easy to be ignorant to something, when, you, yourself are foreign to it.

I am not happy with his presence on a dating site; however, that was never clearly stated as a deal-breaker or boundary.  Some would say, well, he should know and I can certainly see that position; however, all too often we expect people to just know and then complain when they do not.  If someone should just know how you feel about something, what’s the harm in stating it, just to ensure complete understanding, acceptance and/or refusal?  Is this something that we SHOULD KNOW?  All this time I’ve wanted Mr. Cute to talk with me, tell me what’s going on .. confide in me and in truth he did… I don’t want to talk.  That is what is going on, that is what he confided and that is what he’s said.  It’s not what I wanted to hear nor does it lend a lot of room for freely given communication; however, time and time again he stated that he did not want to talk… and I continued to press.  Yet, the only result I got was more of the same and now, it was coming from a much more frustrated Mr. Cute.  Ugh!  A-ha!  I get it!

I admired how independent he was, when we first met.  I appreciated how he could stand on his own and be even a tad indignant when it came to water-cooler talk; however, until this writing I never really saw him as someone so stringent on self-protection.  WOW!  This trait is admirable and although it can hurt others, in essence Mr. Cute is blatantly living my Airplane Rules… Well, this is truly a pivotal moment!  He’s taking care of #1.  He’s putting his mask on first before assisting others and although he has handled this in a relatively poor manner (in my eyes), he is in essence living true to himself.  Now, I get that his dating profile is up, whoopee in the grand-scheme of things.  Sure, he should have given me a proper good-bye or break-up talk; however, in his mind were we broken up OR was he just trying to capture some time alone and asked for it in the poorest way possible?  Did my actions cause the break-up?  Sure, some could say it did; however, in the same breath, some could say that in his time of silence, he was also sitting in uncertainty regarding me and my inability to just let the dust settle put him into a new mode.  It could also be said that he was already done; however, irrespective of what is really going on.. no one knows, except Mr. Cute and guess what?  He’s not talking!

Oh how I hate & love the process in which I have to learn critical lessons…but, I got the message and now I am on the path to discovering and establishing a few boundaries of my own!

Advertisements