I have a pretty good overall demeanor, most that have met me sense that I am independent, capable, intelligent and kind; however, it has been said more than once that they would never want to cross me. I say that because that is what I’ve been told and in truth, I can see where certain statements and/or behaviors would give that impression…but, it is not said as something to be proud of.
After my most recent situation… I started to really look internally at the things I am doing and/or have done. My results are relatively the same each time and I am curious as to how I can change a few, discard others and perhaps enhance the ones that are positive and overshadowed by poor choices/behavior.
I’ve spoken with a friend that speaks about Animal Spirit Guides and she has said that if I have a particular animal in my home, that’s because they are so close to me that I feel the need to have them close. I have 2 English Mastiffs.
If you’ve been reading for any length of time, particularly the last week… you’ll know that Mr. Cute and I have had a situation. I am not quite sure how to even categorize it; however, there’s something up. Almost a week ago, I stopped over and he was aloof and reserved. He said that he did not want to talk; however, after not hearing from him for 2 days, I had thought something was amiss… well, it was, yet, in not wanting to talk.. there was no way for me to know what was up.
I tried to talk simply because I had thought he was perhaps being ‘the man’ and was holding tight, so, I wanted to provide a safe, open & sincere place for him to share. This was the wrong approach and in hindsight, I should have just left… I didn’t. Later he told me that had I left or just left him to his silence, we would not be where we are now… but, this was hard for me to really believe simply because in my mind IF he really cared, he would give me the credit that although it was handled poorly, I was coming from a place of sincerity. He is choosing to hold me to something quite stringent… and I allowed it, sort of like a shunned child.
I eventually did leave and tried to follow-up Friday; however, after another 2 days of silence, I wondered if perhaps I should collect most of my things to decrease the need to go out there. See Stuff for that whole fiasco! I did collect most of my things; however, there was never an intention that things were, done, over – kaput; however, I learned later that – that’s what he thought… Well, that was my concern; however, instead of asking if we could perhaps get together and talk…. we shared a few texts back and forth and when he became silent, I went over there. I know crazy-girlfriend behavior #1. He was not there when I had arrived; however, I waited… wondered and had hoped that I would be in a better mindset this time around…. Nope.
When he did arrive… he was pretty much the same way as the last time I saw him… and still, he did not want to talk. This was hard for me to understand and especially hard to comply with as I had no idea what had caused him to be so shut off toward me and in truth… he was still not going to share anything with me. At this point MOST would take their lashing and just leave; however, not me…. apparently if you scratch my belly and pat me on the head a few times, I will be as loyal, as, well – a dog!
I poured my heart out to him… said what I could as best I could, yet, his cold stares, really put me on edge and each word fumbled out just as crazily as the last. I acknowledged that once again, I did not listen to him i.e. I want to be alone, by coming out there; however, I was hurt, upset and so confused. What happened…. was talking to him or trying to talk to him Wednesday such a travesty that he no longer could see or feel the things that he once did? He has said at one point, if I would have left him alone on Wednesday we would not be at this point; however, I am not sure I can believe that.
I still chose not to disclose my knowledge of the updated dating profile and that is probably where my mind has been since I came across it. He may scoff it off; however, it was a sign to me, since he knew how much it meant to me that he had removed it. I realize that by not letting him know… he can only go on what he thinks I know, yet, at this point would he even care?
For someone who has absolutely no problem completely ignoring me in their presence… how could I think that they would be trying to spare my feelings by not saying… this or that? At one point he said… “If I was a decent human being, I would have this conversation with you right now…..yet, I am not going to.” This was hard for me to hear as it alluded to the fact that there was, in fact something to discuss, yet, he was not going to be ‘decent’ at this time.
It’s so very foreign to me that someone could or would be that closed… and my actions clearly displayed that. It hurts to think that one thing may have toppled this all over, yet, as I think about it… short of something much more major than trying to get someone to talk… can usually be worked out between 2 people who care for one another. I realize that it was not the attempts to get him to talk but the fact that ‘ignored’ his wishes … yet, how can this be something so dire? I have tried to work it out over and over in my head and yes, I know that until I get some answers from him… I do not necessarily have the possibility of ever knowing. This is really hard for me as I believe that I deserve a discussion and a few answers. I may not like what I hear, yet, being ignored and/or treated with some arm’s length emotions is cutting me deeper than the truth ever could.
I am sure he feels some sense of relief that most of my things are no longer there and I would venture to guess that perhaps he feels that he dodged the bullet of breaking it off with me…yet, I do hope, at some point, when the dust has truly settled that he will reach out. I know that I cannot rely on this and/or make it happen; however, I am not quite sure how anyone can simply disappear.
I know that dogs display unconditional love, I’ve written about it before and this is what I was acting on when approaching Mr. Cute; however, when I felt that he was pulling away… I made the cardinal mistake of trying to get closer. When I brought up how I felt that he was pulling away, he corrected me and said that not wanting to talk had nothing to do with pulling away. I tried to explain that yes, in some ways it does; however, he was not having that.
I did what I could to collect what was left of my self-esteem when I said the following: I fear that if I leave now, it will be the last time that I see you and yet, if I do not leave now… it will be guaranteed that this is the last time that I see you. I started to walk away and then gave him a hug good-bye, this time he returned the hug… it lasted for a while and then he said something in a kinder tone to me, but, I simply do not remember what it was. As I walked away, I think he said… have a good night… yet, for that matter, it could have been have a good life.
This was the hardest moment for me…. I was not invited out there this time, yet, leaving felt so different from the times before. In past, I always knew that I could return at anytime… as he had always said, you are more than welcome here; however, now…. I do not believe that is the case and yes, to some degree I understand why. I did a few off the wall things; however, nothing that would ever make the crazy board. I felt shut out from someone who I care for…. and they were doing little to nothing to assure me that there was nothing wrong between us. For most, this would have been enough of a sign to just pull up stakes. This all caused me to question a lot of things and to break out into a new mode…. I did not like the fact that I could not control my tongue on Wednesday, but, I believe he placed too much on that one day. As you get to know someone you are sure to make errors in judgement and/or in behavior, but, to be held to such a tight, rigid standard was difficult for me. Perhaps this is truly a learning experience that some people’s boundaries are very secure & strict and if you cross them… you have absolutely NO chance of another chance.
I realize that there are some real deal-breakers out there; however, trying to get someone to talk, should not necessarily be one of them. I realize that this is me speaking…. yet, when he asked me How would you feel if I repeatedly ignored something that you had requested.. and I could hardly come up with an answer. I said that I would be sad; however, never did I think upset or mad. I then took some more thought about this and wondered.. if perhaps, I did not have the appropriate boundaries in place for myself.
Would I ever consider that someone did not listen to me.. if I had repeatedly said that I did not want to talk and they persisted? In looking back, yes, I could see that; however, for me…. if someone I was close to wanted me to talk, yet, I was not feeling up to it… I would want to make sure that they KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that my reasons for not talking had nothing to do with them. I would do my best to be civil to them and in truth…. I would never flat-out ignore them. I do believe that Mr. Cute has every reason under the sun to not feel up to this or that; however, all of his actions clearly indicated that there was something amiss between us, despite what he said… this is where I was having such a time.
I’ve written in past about how specific he is and when he says something he means it, yet, the dating profile (yes, I am bringing it up again) has me really spun up. I know that he could date with or without a profile up… yet, he knew my feelings on it and that is where I have the problem in believing him when he said that there was nothing wrong with us, he just did not want to talk. He began to be semi-cold on Saturday night.. the drive-in was nice; however, he was pretty closed off… Sunday was more of the same, I tried to chalk it up to nicotine withdrawal; however, for hours we sat there in silence. Then when Monday rolled around and there was no text or call… I let it go… Tuesday was a repeat of Monday and then Wednesday…. well, that was a week since our fabulous 4th of July and there was nothing. I came across the dating profile when a friend had noticed that golf picture that I had shown her a while ago. This was definitely a picture that no one would forget…. I was heart-broken more than anything else… she wanted me to be mad; however, I was shocked that it had not only been updated, but, back up for all to see.
When Mr. Cute and I first talked about his dating profile being up.. he said that whether it was up or down protected me from nothing and it was true, it didn’t; however, I had asked if he would remove it. He said that he would and that was the end of the conversation. I never said another word about it nor did I check to see if he had removed it. Then one day he said… oh, I removed my profile. I said, I did not want you to do it because I asked… I wanted you to do it on your own. he said, I did … I must admit, I did check once… and true to his word, it was down. This is something that we never argued about and although I could understand his point about having no protection, at the same time I sincerely appreciated that he had removed it. This is why it hurt so much to see it there….
I saw this Wednesday and felt compelled to go out and see him. I went out and was pretty hurt… I could not bring it up to him as he was sort of in that aloof mood… he was relatively civil; however, it still felt as if something was wrong between us. This is when he really started with the I do not want to talk… In trying to be cute, I had pushed to talk several times as I was hurt about the whole dating profile… to say that he did not want to talk to anyone was clearly not true… as he had put himself out there for single women to perhaps talk to. It was me that he did not want to talk to… and although he said that there was nothing wrong, I could sense there was.
I go back and forth on this and continue to spew out the same day-old information and yet, I am hoping that there is some sort of answer that I am going to come across throughout all of this. Yet, Mr. Cute is THE ONLY ONE that can do that and as of this writing… it’s not looking good for any sort of communication. Yes, I admit, I am impatient probably more than most, yet, I believe that part of this impatience stems from the fact that I’ve felt wronged and/or betrayed and perhaps even bold-face lied to, these are never easy to stomach or ‘work through’ independently. For someone who has shown absolutely no care in how I feel…. Mr. Cute has avoided being ‘the bad guy’ for almost a week… and in truth, I am not quite sure he has avoided much of anything.. yet, I still feel awful.