I’ve said this a time or two before, usually to someone else that was going through a bad break-up or difficult relationship; however, until recently I did not realize that I was full of crap! For the past week or two, not only have I felt lonely with Mr. Cute, but, definitely ignored as well…. Instead of standing on the title of this post, I sat there, toiled over things I did not know and questioning my every move. I am upset that he has told me one thing, yet, his actions clearly indicate the opposite. I went frantic this weekend ultimately ending up out east for yet another lashing of cold stares, insistence of not listening and little to no resolve. I did my best to get a few answers; however, in hindsight…what would the answers provide me? What am I in fear of really losing that is obviously no longer there? Is it losing that has me in a bundle – what?
As I sat there … he was still hell-bent on the whole no talking thing and wanting to be left alone… Irrespective of what I said, it was just a bother… Now, I can certainly understand being in a funk or a mood, but, this was days and despite saying that he did not want to talk and that he wanted to be left alone… he cancelled his golf game when I arrived. A step in the right direction I had thought; however, it was just more of the same. I had thought that since he did not throw me out on the spot that there was a glimmer of hope, yet, the truth is hope had already wised up and left!
We watched television in silence and then when I had asked a singular question… he went into it AGAIN! You want to talk, even though I do not want to talk…. It was if we had to sit in complete silence, that was my admission price…. I was so puzzled as to why someone who had once cared for me could be this cold… without any true ‘event’ to speak of or point to. He claimed he had things on his mind; however, the treatment was so one-sided that irrespective of all else, he had clearly changed his mind about, me, us – something and simply chose not to let me in on it. Granted a dating profile is neither here nor there; however, the fact that he had updated his and posted it said something, even though he chose not to. Was this his way of letting me know? This cowardly act pales to the integrity I thought he had. In so many other instances throughout our relationship he clearly demonstrated that he was more than OK saying things against the grain or making his own statement that never in a million years would I think he would want anyone to go the assume route.
I am not quite sure why it has taken me so long to get to this point. Staying with someone who ONCE treated you nicely is not OK. You stay with someone because there is a relatively consistent type of treatment or interaction. For almost an entire week I went with this… in fact, even when I went to get my stuff, I still endured who the hell knows what. He had already decided he was done and for whatever reason, chose to be less that forthcoming about that decision. Whatever is going on, he has clearly said does not concern me; however, he left a wee bit of information out… he is looking to meet someone, hell, he’s on clearance even and yet… the one person he neglected to tell, was the person he was seeing – ME! But, let’s remember, he doesn’t want to talk.
I had shared my true feelings, I stood there with full vulnerability and although he heard me and perhaps listened it did not phase him one bit. Yet, when you no longer care for someone… why would their feelings impact you in any way.
It’s one thing to say that you do not want to talk; however, to be so cold and removed is different… I definitely did not believe, at first that I had anything to do with his feelings or mood; however, in truth the dating profile should have been a NO-GO for me…yet, I’ve still kept my knowledge of it to myself. I am sure he would love to laugh in my face for ‘checking up on him’, yet, it wasn’t that at all… I had no idea what was going on and did whatever I could to just get answers.. since, he was not talking.
What I find hardest to stomach is the fact that he could not simply be truthful…. perhaps he did not want to ‘hurt’ me; however the days of no contact and the not wanting to talk statements were hurtful enough. It would have been hard to hear, I am not into you anymore, yet, it would be clear and it would have been truthful. I’ve always said that although the truth may hurt, lying always leaves a larger mark. I defended him to the hilt with my friends, insisting that he was dealing with some major or several major things; however, in truth – whatever he’s got on his plate is of absolutely no concern to me, because what I have on mine is clearly NOT in his wheelhouse.
I am sad, simply because losing something or someone is never easy and yet, I have to ask myself… what am I really losing IF this is HOW he is going to treat me? I lost the man who once took pictures of a frog, because he knew I liked them, I lost a man who would brush his hand against as he walked by and I lost a man who made sure to kiss me whenever he left a room … I still had that male in front of me; however, none of those things as little as they may appear were present. In fact that way he looked into my eyes once, was replaced with looking through me…. I watched Hope Floats the other night and int he beginning Sandra Bullock says something like, don’t look back it’s bad luck as they drove away…. I am trying to take that little advisement and truly practice it; however, this post is a bit of looking back, simply because there were some things about Mr. Cute that I definitely did like…. and they will help me shape some of my new boundaries.
This was not as whirlwind as some; however, it was quick enough as far as how feelings had changed. He stood there so stern and direct that it was almost comical. At one point I had wondered where my tenacity had gone, was it really going to be that dire if I no longer gave him the opportunity to ignore me? Wasn’t being ignored the dire part? At that moment I could not really see the real reason for why I was leaving. I was leaving because I deserve far better treatment than I was receiving. Sure, I ignored his countless requests to be left alone; however, I had the clamor of updated dating profile running through my head….
Although a dating profile does not truly indicate one thing or another nor does it protect anyone if it is removed…. let’s be honest, by posting a profile on a dating site, you are in essence letting the world know that you are looking. Well, he neglected to share it with me and although I get that he did not have to, it would have been the mature thing to do. It makes me wonder if anything he said was truly true or perhaps was this a little game that he would play. You know a lot of women create certain situations in order to get back at someone in past that has hurt them…. could it be that Mr. Cute is just a serial dater and that he strikes up his own little savoir fare act and once caught, he then releases. I would venture to guess that I am giving him more conniving credit than he deserves; however, at the same time a forthcoming, integral person typically cannot ever dance on the side of deceit or can they?
As I start the process of pulling my head out of my own a$$, I keep in mind that I had some good times… there were moments when all I could was smile. We did have a few bouts of happiness. I loved the fact that he was more or less a homebody be it by default or design… I preferred cooking dinner and watching television or sitting outside to the bright lights of the city. I loved the bathroom talks that we had and it was very nice to have those little things that only he would do, yet, I must be honest…. there were also things that I knew would not withstand the test of time. I could sense that there were issues, aren’t there always; however, I was willing to work through them, yet, I needed a willing partner in which to do that with.
I am not quite sure if I will get back up on the horse immediately; however, I am not in any hurry. I have to reclaim the spot I left dormant for a while… that woman was a blast, she had a great time doing the things she loved and enjoyed; taking pictures, volunteering and spending time with true friends. I sense that a line will be dropped in the water sooner than later. Mr. Cute was not going to put his boat in the water this year and dock fishing, well, he was much too good for that… and so, I must admit, I did not clear the cobwebs off my poles from last year. I left a lot of me in the West before I headed East and that was all my doing; however, I need to remember that part of the reason why Mr. Cute had a fancy for me was because of who I was in the West. It could be that I melded too much and although I am not taking blame for the not talking thing… I will admit that I lost some of me, in trying to be a we and that is something that I will not be doing again.
Life has a funny way of teaching us things… and since I am a hard-headed learner, I had to go through the arduous process of really being ignored in order to realize that if I did not take up stakes, I could be lost forever.
I will never bad-mouth him as no one I know would know him; however, I will say this, for a period of time there was a lovely union between two… it was filled with fun, laughter and kisses… then, for reasons that may never be known to me – it was gone POOF. I can smile at the things that were once there, kiss them good-bye and continue down the path that is just for me. Sure, I will recall the ill-received treatment; however, for but a short time as my ego heals. In truth, he did not break me, bruise, perhaps, but those heal… I take with me a new-found realization that irrespective of what someone has going on in their life, IF they truly care about you…. they will do what they can to include and/or assure you that you are important to them.
Not sure if I am big enough to wish Mr. Cute the best; however, he will be the first to tell you that he does not need anyone to wish him their best as he will do just fine on his own…. I definitely am thankful for the amount of time we shared together where we actually shared something and the rest of the time, well, those were hard-knock lessons for me. For the past several days, all I’ve felt was confusion, sadness and that there was no hope; however, I am more than upset and so, it must be time for me to put it in a box and leave it be!