I took a stand, sort of….after 5 days of no-contact (our schedule was daily) I felt that I should collect my ‘stuff’ at Mr. Cute’s place.  I decided to do it, so that I would not have the urge to get something I needed.  He had said that he didn’t want to talk and whenever I would be near him…I would try to talk with him.  I realize that ‘stuff’ is just that ‘stuff’ but, it was mine and there were certain things that I wanted.  I completely blundered our conversation and it happened while he was at work for all to hear…I spoke in confusing tones and fragments, simply because I was so distraught.  I wanted different treatment, consideration and did not know what else to do.

He did not want me there after I had collected my things… I tried to push back and say that I would be there; however, with Mr. Cute, once you say something… you had better plan on doing it.  Frantically, I gathered what I could; however, halfway home I realized I had forgotten a few things.  The backed up traffic in the other direction told me that if I tried to go back, I would end up there at  the time he would be.  I did not want that to look like a ‘girl ploy’ and yet, I did not intend to leave those things behind.  In talking with friends I learned that men do not place as much meaning on ‘stuff’ as women.  Here I had already had a hundred what ifs already rattled off.

Did I break up with Mr. Cute?  That’s en emphatic, NO!  But, did taking my ‘stuff’ indicate something to him?  I’ve spent the entire day wondering, playing things through my mind, listening to songs that cause additional pain… and yet, I want to believe that there is some semblance of hope.  I did not like the treatment or lack of inclusion in whatever he is going through, yet, I cannot get him out of my mind.  The way we were… the smiles we shared.. the things he said to me.  I try to snap myself out of it; however, I just return to questioning my actions, the phone call the whole damn thing!

I realize that the damage, per se has been done; however, in truth – there was no decision… at least not from my side, yet, I am not the only one that can decide here.  Is ‘stuff’ really that powerful?  Do men consider taking your ‘stuff’ back as anything more than getting your things?

I was so flipped out over what was or was not going on that I could barely think or act rationally.  I am not the type to destroy property or boil rabbits… I am just so in the air about Mr. Cute.  He is someone that I care deeply about and the way he chooses to handle issues is so very foreign to me.  He said he did not want to talk and what do I do?  Ask him to talk.  I believed that if I removed my ‘stuff’ I would not be as tempted to go out there and then go through the whole .. I do not want…. do you want to talk thing.  Yet, I am so worried that by getting my ‘stuff’ I silently broke up with him.  I didn’t, yet, I am not going to crowd him with a call to explain…..

I am forced to just wait… hope, cope and wonder… will he call me?  Will I hear from him?  Does he miss me?  Is he even thinking of me?  This is driving me nuts and yet, in truth I stirred it up.  Instead of just saying, I was headed out there.. and waiting for his response… I jumped the gun and blurted “I won’t be there when you get there” out.. I’m getting my stuff.. The milk has been spilled, the damage has been done and I cannot even run damage control.  I am here…. waiting.

I realize that everyone handles things differently; however, he would not even provide cursory details of what was going on and yet, I want to believe that he still cares about me.  For almost a week, he has been silent and so, I thought, well, I had better do something.  I did not like the treatment or the lack thereof, yet, I am not sure getting my ‘stuff’ gave the message that was truly intended.

I can’t go through this a million times (and I will) but, there is nothing that will come as a solution… it is in his court, his field.. timeline.

I am not tempted to call, text, I want to, but, I know not to.  I want to, but, I also want to see if I really meant something and the only way I can do that is by waiting, living and continuing.  I may have thrown a curve-ball, but, it is nothing close to some of the girlfriend drama that I’ve heard about.  Yet, I did not like being completely shut-out.

I am not sure I really took a stand, when I tried to pull back my intention and since he was at work, just made it worse.  The whole crew heard his side of the conversation and I am sure it was hard to ignore.  I am sure his apology text was to ensure that I would not lose it in his house; however, that’s not my style.. with the exception of a few tears on the floor, I did nothing.

So now, I have my ‘stuff’, my heart aches and all I can do is – wait!

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